Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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