i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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