you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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