Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my shit smells like andre
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
