The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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