Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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