I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
