every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
