One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
