I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
