I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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