She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
