i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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