Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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