I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
