I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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