girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
