chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
this just has baby written all over it
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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