Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
