As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
