bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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