Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
