im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
