I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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