obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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