Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize