I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
