don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
