my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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