i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
