I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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