now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
