I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize