is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
