how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
