I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
