I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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