Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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