Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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