They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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