you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
