your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize