as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
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