So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
