Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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