She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
