Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
