just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
