Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I could make wine with my vomit
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
