You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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