Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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