just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
