The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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