You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
