I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
