Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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