Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
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