I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
