Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
