Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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