Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
