shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
