Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
